The View From Paul’s Basement: The Bachelor “Sean Tells All” Recap (02-19-13)

Distinguished ladies and gentlemen of the internet, (as well as everyone in between) it is my distinct pleasure to welcome you all once again into my basement for a singularly idiosyncratic look at my views on everything from “The Bachelor” to…well…”The Bachelor”.

In this second installment of “The View From Paul’s Basement”, I would like to invite you all to walk with me down the well trodden trail of this seemingly never-ending show once again, because ABC has, for some reason, seen fit to inflict upon us a super-special-awesome Tuesday night edition of “The Bachelor” uproariously entitled “Sean Tells All”, which of course means that the hunky blonde dreamboat (not my words) is as vague and non-committal about all the girls in his life as always.

Let us begin, shall we? The sooner we start, the sooner we get it over with.

“Sean Tells All” begins (to be honest, the whole episode is pretty much this) with a pow-wow between Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe. Sean of course talks about how this next week is the most important week so far (like every other preceding week) and about how he doesn’t really know who he is going to pick (sound familiar?) and how each one of these girls is just soooooooo special and amazing! Aren’t we all so a dither with excitement to hear these words tumble forth from Sean’s lips again and again? I know I am!

This first segment, though, is really all about Desiree and throwing her brother Nate under the bus once again, because last night just wasn’t quite enough apparently. Sean talks about how “it killed him” and it was “a heart-wrenching decision” to let Desiree go, although there is nary a tear or even a momentary pause to be found as he struggles with his (supposedly) turbulent emotions while describing this decision.

I’m sure he has cried himself out off camera, that must be it. Honestly, if every decision Sean has made is as difficult and full of heartache as he claims, he must go through about a box of Kleenex a day, and ABC’s budget for facial tissue must be maxed out. He then proceeds to talk about Desiree’s brother Nate as if he were some kind of lawless ruffian who threatened to give him a beat down, describing how Nate was “a troubled youth” (according to his sister) and how restrained it was not to just punch Nate during their argument.

(AP Photo, ABC, Kevin Foley)

(AP Photo, ABC, Kevin Foley)

Again, Sean pulls out the tired line about how his honor and integrity are everything to him, and even goes so far as to say he is the “furthest thing from a playboy”. Really Sean, are you really continuing to go there? A bit of a heads up here buddy: the furthest thing from a playboy would probably be some kind of monk who has dedicated himself to a life of celibacy in some monastery on a remote mountain in Nepal, someone who hasn’t even seen a woman for the past 50 years of his life. A guy on a reality TV show whose goal is to date a handful of gorgeous women in an attempt to “find love” is actually pretty darn close to what a playboy really is.

You know that dusty dictionary your parents had on a shelf somewhere in your house in your youth, Sean? You maybe should have cracked it open once or twice. Either that or just follow Rob Gronkowski on Twitter to figure out what a playboy is, both routes will get the job done for you.

The next segment was about as tasteful as it gets for “The Bachelor”, as they focused on fan-favorite Sarah, the lovely lady who only had the use of one arm. Seeing Sarah be sent home, lamenting over the same old story that guys tell her every time they dump her is touching; having Sean say that the decision, “ripped out” his heart without a trace of genuine remorse or sadness kind of (ok, completely) kills the mood. Good job once again buddy!

One brief off-topic interjection here if I may: ABC, does promoting your new drama “Red Widow” by saying “from the screenwriter of the Twilight series” really help you sell your drama? From seeing the trailers, I’m pretty sure your target demographic isn’t 15 year old girls. All right, moving on.

Sean now talks to Chris about Selma, the girl who wouldn’t kiss him, and Leslie, the girl who wouldn’t stop kissing him. This leads to another gem from Sean, where he basically said that if Leslie had told him that she loved him, he would likely have given her a rose and kept her around. This, from the guy who will never tell a girl that he loves them, from a guy whose response to, “I’m falling in love with you” is akin to, “wow, that is great, thanks!”

Sean, my man, reciprocation is a two-way street. If hearing, “I love you” from a woman is so important to you, don’t you think you should respond with something a little better than a phrase equivalent to, “Wow, nice!” Of course, I understand you want to cover your own butt and not tell fifteen different girls that you love them, only to send fourteen of them packing, but since that is the case, why put so much emphasis on them saying they love you?

An incredibly selfish attitude, but then, a show like “The Bachelor” encourages selfishness in men. It isn’t every day that beautiful woman after beautiful woman tries to indulge your every whim to get you to like them…unless you are Sean Lowe.

Then of course we come to Tierra, the crazy woman who got in fights with every other woman on the show. Yep, pretty sure that is par for the course with reality TV: a little bit of crazy always puts your show over the top, or at least this is what producers and directors of said shows seem to think. By now, the whole, “Wow, that woman/man is crazy, let us see who she/he slaps/insults/wrestles with next!” has been done so many times that it has become stale, like a Triscuit lying out on a plate for a few days.

You know you could eat it without much problem, but it is no longer satisfying, and you end up just throwing it away without giving it too much thought. Trust me, throwing that thing away is the right choice…I speak from experience on this issue.

This “special” Tuesday edition of “The Bachelor” wraps up with some new footage of past events. There is the girl who tells Sean about how her mother loves him constantly, (*yawn*) there are Catherine’s notes that she passes to Sean, (we’ve all been to high school, next please) there is a girl who does a dynamite Chris Harrison impression, (best part of the whole segment, she should honestly replace Chris, whose importance on the show seems to boil down to him saying, “Welcome to this week’s show”, “Careful, only one rose left!”, and “So long for now, see you next week.” Get him out of there.) and Sean crowd surfing at some concert that I don’t care enough about to look up anything more related to it. It seemed like he enjoyed it, for what that is worth.

Of course, what episode of a reality TV show is complete without a special tease of next week’s dramatic journey? For “The Bachelor”, that means a trip to Thailand (Chris Harrison seems to think the actual name of the country is “The Beautiful Country Of Thailand”. I’ll just stick with the original.) where they go somewhere on a boat.

This leads to one of the women doing the “I’m King of the world!” line from Titanic, except they say “Queen”, and the line isn’t as impressive when done from the bow of a small Thai pleasure scow as opposed to a gargantuan ocean liner. Plus, it has been done to death, can’t we just move on? Also teased: AshLee’s fear of dark, half submerged ocean caves and how people find eating insects to be rather distasteful! I don’t know how I will ever wait until Monday to see how things unfold, but I know I will manage somehow.

Thank you once again for joining me in my basement, and I promise that the next time you stop by (for a recap of next Monday’s “The Bachelor”) I will turn the thermostat up a bit. It can get quite chilly down here.

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