We’re nearly there folks, just hang on a bit longer! The final episodes of “The Bachelor” are upon us, and for me, they couldn’t come soon enough. For whatever reason, fake romance and petty squabbles just don’t do it for me, although I can’t imagine why. Still, at least watching the show for the past few weeks has given me some talking points when speaking to, say, Patriots cheerleaders, so I guess it wasn’t all bad. Now I just have to get our producer to invite them back to the show every week so I’m actually getting something out of watching this insufferable show. Not going to happen, I know, but maybe if I somehow convince myself it will happen, it will motivate me to finish writing this wrap up. Hang on a second…Ok, I have successfully brainwashed myself. LETS DO THIS THING!

This week’s episode of “The Bachelor” was, for those of you who don’t know, the penultimate episode of the season where Chris Harrison hosts a sort of forum populated by all the women that His Royal Bachelor-ness Sean Lowe has rejected so far. First, however, they start the evening off by showing us clips of Sean crashing “The Bachelor” viewing parties in various locations. So yeah, a lot of screaming women and girls, and Sean gets to take his shirt off again, which is just such  a treat. I have seen Sean’s torso laid bare more times than I have seen any other man’s bare chest in my life. I guess I just haven’t been hanging out in the right clubs.

After this opening, Chris Harrison reintroduces us to all the ladies, (except Tierra, who is waiting backstage) all of whom look fantastic, as you might expect. One of them, a political consultant named Lesley Murphy, tells us that “drama isn’t my thing”, a claim that is hard to believe when it comes from the mouth of someone who signed on to film a reality TV show. Other than that, no one really puts their proverbial feet in their mouths. We are then treated to a clip of all the times Tierra did nutty things over the course of the show, (Harrison’s analysis of the clip: “Wow.” Classic Chris there.) and the women proceed to bash Tierra. Let it suffice to say that this was not a shocker. Chris Harrison then leaves us with the most awkward tease in the history of television while explaining Tierra will be coming out to face the rest of the ladies after a commercial break:

“Who knows what will happen, and who knows if this is even a good idea? I guess the latter.”

Even though you might understand what he means, he does a terrible job of conveying it. Par for the course, though, considering the general quality of the show. Did I mention I only watch this because I have to?

Tierra faithfully appears as promised at the start of the next segment, and is allowed to give her side of the story. Of course, she does a horrible job of garnering any sympathy by saying things like, “I light up in a room” and, “I bring this joy, this smile.” Usually you are supposed to let other people say that about you Tierra, but whatever, dig your grave as deep as you want. She wraps it up by saying she doesn’t feel the need to apologize for anything, and to make matters worse, her right eyebrow is out of control. I’m talking Leonard Nimoy/Spock levels here, Dwayne Johnson/The Rock-esque, if you want to go there. I wonder what could possibly happen next?

Well, more Tierra bashing happens next, of course! Pretty much the gist of it is the other girls say Tierra is a rude person in general, and since Tierra herself seems unable to remember ever saying “hi” to another soul during the entirety of the show, I would tend to agree with that assessment. When Tierra started talking about things like “Sean and I’s connection”, I started to zone out. The only other things I garnered from the whole rest of the Tierra portion of the show was this awesome line from her to AshLee, (“I’m not calling you a liar, AshLee, I’m just saying that you lied to me.”) the fact that her eyebrow had already been a topic of discussion, (Apparently I am woefully late to that whole party) and that Tierra is now engaged to someone who, based on what has just happened, may now be regretting his decision. Studios will be seeing a pilot for, “The Tierra Show” in a month or so, and that is a conservative estimate on my part.

Once Tierra was gone, it was Sarah’s turn (the woman who was born with only one arm) to talk about moving on from Sean Lowe’s rejection, and how it always seems to go that way for her in relationships. Then, Desiree, the woman who was cut to narrow the field to three, joined Chris Harrison to speak about basically the same thing, although she also talked about the role her brother played in her dismissal. I gloss over these sections only because nothing stupid or notable happens, probably because Sean Lowe isn’t yet involved, and also because Sarah and Desiree are both perfectly well spoken women who are also pretty sane, their choice to go on “The Bachelor” in the first place aside.

It is AshLee’s turn next, the most recent woman eliminated. This is excellent, because it leads to hearing Sean Lowe say, “I can feel the love coming from your heart” in a clip. I can’t help but find this hard to believe, since I don’t think the emotion of “love” emanates from the heart in the first place, but Sean is on “The Bachelor” searching for his soul mate, so he must know what he is talking about in this instance. In any case, AshLee gets geared up to talk to Sean once again, since Chris Harrison has assured us he will be coming up…just after the break!

The Chest has arrived! Sean and AshLee have a talk about what exactly went down in their final few days together. Sean tells AshLee condescendingly that she won’t be able to understand his thought process until she goes through something similar, which is Sean Lowe code for, “I am not articulate enough to explain my reasoning to you, sorry!” Then AshLee asks Sean about, you know, that one time (at least one time) when he said he didn’t have serious feelings for any woman other than AshLee. At this point Sean gets some shifty eyes and stutters a bit while denying everything as AshLee gives him that withering look which every boyfriend or husband knows so well. Of course, neither one will admit that the other was correct, but I would put my money on AshLee’s version of events, if only because I’d trust Bernie Madoff with my life savings before I’d trust Sean with my collection of bottle caps. Those things are worthless too, unless the market for generic plastic bottle caps has gone haywire since I last checked it.

That about wraps it up for this week’s episode of “The Bachelor”. The last few segments are just Sean saying a few words to Desiree and to the other women in general, followed by clips focusing on the last two surviving women, Catherine and Lindsay. I can already tell the finale is going to be a doozie, as long as you define “doozie” as something that takes a torturously long time and results in a relationship that is far more likely to last a month than a lifetime. Still, I’ll be there to chronicle every last painfully drawn out moment for you from my basement. Thank goodness I’m getting paid for this. Oh wait…

ON DEMAND: The View From Paul’s Basement


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