Without further ado, let us get to the meat of the recap, and kick things off with a new feature that I promised was coming for this week! I give you…

THE AMAZING TALLY OF AMAZINGS!

This feature serves one purpose, and one purpose only: to highlight the miniscule vocabularies of The Bachelorette herself, Desiree Hartsock, (as well the vocabularies of the many men she has fighting for her favor) by keeping track of the number of times the word “amazing” is uttered per episode.

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The count for this week? Desiree: 9; Everyone else: 3. Now, without proper context (I don’t have the numbers for last week, for instance) we cannot tell if this is high, low, or otherwise. Rest assured, this will be addressed in the coming weeks as this feature continues.

For now, let it be known that 12 utterances of the same non-descript, placeholder adjective in a two-hour show (minus commercials, plus the fact that it is taped, not live) lead me to believe that Desiree could probably do a bit more reading than she currently does. A final note: this tally does not include the two “amazing” appearances in the teaser that ran at the very start of the show, as I assumed they would be covered throughout the show itself. So keep that in mind, I guess.

Onward!

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The first date of the episode (a group date) was a dodgeball game. Now, as every guy knows, dodgeball is awesome, and the game that the guys ended up playing looked pretty sweet. The best thing that came out of the whole date was actually a broken finger suffered by Brooks.

Now, I would never condone and encourage injuries to occur to anyone, but the way Brooks handled the whole thing was rather hilarious. After it happened, Brooks was lying on the ground in pain, moaning and grimacing, before being put in an ambulance and eventually being given oxygen.

Seriously? For a broken finger?

I personally have broken a finger, and I didn’t even go to see a doctor for days after the incident. Maybe this was just a gruesomely bad break or something? I mean, Brooks went on and on about how this was the worse pain he has ever experienced.

Maybe it was just an incredibly serious break that…brushed a major…finger artery…or something? No, wait, here he comes a few hours after the injury, wearing a tiny finger brace, telling Des how it wasn’t a big deal at all, that it was just a broken finger after all.

So…yeah. Brooks comes off as a wimp and a fake tough guy all in the same show!

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Nicely done by him.

Next up on the Season 9 agenda was catching a cheater, something near and dear to the hearts of those I work with. One of the guys, Brian, came on the show while he was already involved with another girl. This girl, unsurprisingly, found out about it, and came on the show to confront Brian.

Now, it was certainly a stupid/dishonest thing for Brian to do, and he was summarily kicked off the show by Des and Chris Harrison, but I can see why he might have wanted to break things off with Stephanie. She is a beautiful woman, but she struck me as a bit crazy, like this guy for instance:

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Des and Chris Harrison were hard pressed to get in a few words around her hysterical ranting. Clearly, Brian was treating the whole experience as a game, or as a way to refine his skills as a “player”. Needless to say, his skillset needs a little polishing.

The same day as this girlfriend drama, Des went on a date with Kasey, who was stopped using hashtags in normal speech, to my relief. As part of their date, they did some weird sort of dancing on the side of a building, held up by ropes and harnesses like mountaineers. Kasey says that, “This is actually really dangerous!”

Yes Kasey, ABC is prepared to let you die on national TV while on a date. I’m sure you were inches away from death the entire time. People on reality TV (especially freaking dating shows) really need to let go of this notion that they are ever in danger of being killed. Just relax and think rationally for a minute or two before talking.

The dinner portion of Kasey’s date with Des was marred by a windstorm.

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To combat the wind, the couple…jumped in the freezing cold rooftop pool? Don’t ask me why, but this is what happened. I guess it was all in good fun, since Kasey got a rose out of the whole thing. I’m already done with rationally analyzing Desiree’s choices, it simply isn’t logical.

The last date of the episode was a promo for The Lone Ranger, the new Johnny Depp movie. No, seriously, that is what it was. The guys worked on stunts with the stunt team from the movie, and Des went with Juan Pablo on a private date afterwards where they ate popcorn and made out while watching an advanced screening of the film. The commercial coming out of that segment of the show? A commercial for The Lone Ranger.

Yep…Reality TV! It’s not contrived at all!

The only other thing of importance that took place this week was some standard Ben drama, where Michael and Mikey called him out (again) for being a jerk. Passing over the fact that a grown man still goes by the name “Mikey”, can we move on from this already?

Yes, Ben is smarmy and he lies. You are grown men, get over it. Just go do your thing and stop worrying about what Ben is up to. Okay? No? You are going to keep obsessing over this like 15 year old girls? Okay then!

The cuts, this week, were the aforementioned Brian, along with Brandon and Dan. It is still too early to become emotionally attached to anyone on the show, but you do have to feel for Brandon somewhat. Dude has lived a rough life.

So that is it for this week. Slightly shorter, I think. I tried…Check back next week, and we will see if I can keep it down below 1,200 words.

Baby steps!

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SEE ALSO: Read More ‘The View From Paul’s Basement’

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